I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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