so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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