My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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