She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize