My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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