I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
