Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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