every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I look excited, but its just a facade.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
