He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
