a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
