His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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