He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
