I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
