im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
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New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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