We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
