____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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