i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
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