it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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