Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
