Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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