Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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