They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
