we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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