Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
