I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
