On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
