She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
