eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
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You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
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I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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