I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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