I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
