you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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