i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
