Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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