But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You ruined the universe
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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