worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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