A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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