if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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