Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
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Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
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And my parents said I crawled through the house
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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