I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
