I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
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My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
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I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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