I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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