discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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