apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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