there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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