A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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