Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
