a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.