He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
