Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
the day after is always just damage control
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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