uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
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I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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