Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
