you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
