I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
