so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
