He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
