The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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